This is the second episode of Allston Pudding’s series, “Good Mark/Bad Marc,” in which staff writers Mark Zurlo and Marc Finn play good cop/bad cop on partially suspecting bands. In this episode, Marc Finn (a.k.a. Bad Marc) conducted a phone interview with Twin Peaks. Twin Peaks are fresh off their second full release Wild Onion, and played Great Scott on 8/12. You can read Marc Finn (a.k.a. Bad Marc)’s review here.

Whilst doing this interview with lead singer Cadien Lake James, he and I made the fatal mistake of attempting to get the whole band on speakerphone, while they were driving on a highway populated by roaring dragons and screaming horror movie victims. At least, that’s what it sounded like. What I’m trying to say is, it got really hard to hear them. 

We will attempt to translate some of Twin Peaks’ answers for them, based purely on Bad Marc’s ability to discern proper English from background car noises that strongly resemble the chainsaw noises from Hostel. Which, as you will find out, fucking sucks. His thoughts are in italics. He would like to state for the record that this is all his fault. 

Allston Pudding: Twin Peaks the band becomes the first google result, surpassing the TV show. What would you do to celebrate?

Twin Peaks: [Translation: “Smoke a J,” followed by laughter.] Buy ourselves a nice steak dinner. [Unintelligible  (“while smoking?”)]

AP: You have to eliminate one member of the Beatles from the history books. Which one?

TP: Uh, Ringo’s easy. [Unintelligible.] But I’m gonna go with George.

AP: Why George?

TP: [Unintelligible, but I bet it was funny.]

AP: ….Sick. Cadien’s wheelchair prowess gets him into the special Olympics. Which event does he do?

TP: Shot put. [Others chime in: Yeah dude, shot-put.]

AP: Did you do shot-put in high school?

TP: Naw, but it seems right.

AP: Cadien’s wheelchair prowess gets him into the special Olympics somehow. Does he reveal himself as a fake or no? Like The Ringer?

TP: Yes! We go about that whole event just like Johnny Knoxville did in The Ringer.

AP: I was hoping you’d say that, I love that movie. 

TP: [Unintelligible (Possibilities: Totes? Fo-sho? Go?)]

AP: [nervous laughter, the type of nervous laughter you do when you’re trying to pretend that you understood what someone said.] What are your three favorite local Chicago bands that the rest of the country should know about right now?

TP: Fuck, man. [Unintelligible while they talk amongst themselves.] So many, there’s so many. [Unintelligible. So unintelligible. If this recording was on the Voyager I spacecraft, it would make aliens declare war on us.]

AP: Could you say that again? [God, I hate myself]

TP: [As if to punish me, their response is even more unintelligible than the last one, somehow. Goddamn, we need to do this in person.]

AP: Name a  Chicago band whose ass you could kick if you wanted to.

TP: [Untelligible]

AP: That’s fine, y’all sound a bit weird right now but I’m sure I can figure it out later. [lies. Pitiful lies.] So Lollapalooza, Pitchfork Festival, and Riot Fest all ask you to be their big-name hometown headliner next year. You can only choose one due to exclusivity agreements – which one is it?  

TP: Riot Fest for sure, because it was so much fun last time. It’s not like a huge lineup like Lolla, but it’s way better. It’s like, really dope bands.

AP: In a hilarious twist of fate, Chance the Rapper gets a jail sentence for ten days. Would you guys go to jail with him to protect him and to help with the sequel to 10 day, or leave him for the wolves?

TP: Yeah man. If he asked us, if he asked everybody to come, then we’d go. It would be really fucked up, though, that’s a fucked up [situation?]. We would break him out of jail. Get the fuck out of jail. We’d do it Trailer Park Boys-style, and just force him out of jail.

AP: Pizza Hut creates a “Wild Onion and anchovy” Chicago deep dish pizza in your honor – are you offended, or enlightened? 

TP: I would fuck with that. [Others: no anchovies!] Yeah, I dunno about anchovies. [An argument erupts in the background about anchovies. This goes on for a solid ten seconds.] Wild Onion is sausage pizza.

AP: Any other toppings? 

TP: Bacon, more sausage, onions, boiled eggs, Oreos, [mint-flavored Oreos?]

AP: Someone creates an porno film of the band called “XXX WILD ONIONZZZ XXX” . Describe the opening scene, before stuff gets weird.

TP: Well first of all, it’s on a haystack. [I’m a little bit worried by how serious his tone is.] It’s all anime. First scene: someone shoots a rocket launcher at a cow, and the cow explodes, and out of the cow comes a fuckin’ babe. [unintelligible. Someone else asks: “and then what happens?”] And then [I swear to God, he says “she’s covered in bacon and ranch,” or something], and then she shoots out candy, multiplies into four chicks, and then we bang ’em. And then one has a revolver, and [unintelligible.]

AP: That’s pretty out there. [Bad Marc is going to retire from interviews forever.]

You can download Twin Peaks’ Wild Onion here.