“I’m sorry. Can you just give me some space?” – the spark for the first real fight of my first relationship.

Five years later, link the boy is long gone but that sentiment still rings true. No, stomach I do not want to kiss, site nuzzle, grind, nor be attached at the hip with my significant other at concerts. But this is not an article about my past loves, this is a PSA: Please stop grinding at shows. Please, just stop.

The act of grinding can, and should, be limited to nightclubs, frat parties, and your bedroom. On a packed house floor with hundreds of other fans trying to watch a performance? Not so much. Come on, couples (or trios, hey!), save a little room for Yeezus.

Here are five conclusions I can (and will) draw about you if you are one of these unfortunate couples:

1. You are not a fan of x, y, or z.

I didn’t bat an eye when I saw you canoodling at The Neighbourhood, and I even let you slide at Lykke Li. But honestly there is a lot of music that is purely un-grindable. Some places I’ve seen you consciously try (and fail) to work those hips at: Wavves, Pinback, Arctic Monkeys….come on, Vampire Weekend?

2. You have no sense of common courtesy.

I’m pretty sure you know that every crowd has limited elbowroom. I don’t mind being bumped nor crowd surfing. What I do mind is your butt actively rubbing against my thigh and experiencing your girl suck on your neck at a distance much too close for comfort.

3. You have zero respect for the performer.

You are staring into the eyes of your lover 100% of the time with zero regard for the person on stage. You’re not here for the atmosphere. You’re so clearly in a world of your own. Why did you buy a ticket only to come and ignore the artist? This is the difference between DJs and musicians and this is the difference between the Royale at 6 p.m. and the Royale at midnight.

4. You are desperate for attention.

It’s a classic cliché, please refrain from rubbing your boyfriend, girlfriend, fun-buddy, whoever in my face. We’re not impressed and the only attention you’re getting is in the form of death glares and pity.

5. You are trashed.

One night I saw Interpol and this couple threw up on the floor and each other halfway through the set. Spare us all.