By Jamie Loftus
I can’t get out of bed.
You know that moment where your favorite band starts charging for stuff on Bandcamp and you’re like ugh I like them but do I like them this much of course I don’t? Imagine that times a million billion divided by all of the feels and that’s what it was like to watch my old favorite band WLLMSBRG perform at TD Garden this night at 12:35PM sharp.
Sharp? Abraham, Curt and Shirtless Mike have founded their reputation on keeping things loose, and this new penchant for timeliness reeks of record execs (the trio was signed by Capitol shortly after their Super 88 parking lot gig). The show’s prompt start was greeted with massive approval from their newfound pre-teen (!!!) fanbase, who wore t-shirts with cartoon WLLMSBRG characters from their new show on PBS Kids.
In keeping with their new audience, the band has changed every instance of phrases like “butt,” “shit,” and “buttshit” to “love.”
Sure, they played the seventeen-minute intro from their incredible concept album wait, pay attention, am I supposed to make a left here?, but the addition of the entire cast of Degrassi on backup vocals made the performance difficult to watch, and not just because it wasn’t the original cast. Shirtless Mike took particular delight in bouncing on the in-ground trampolines during the laser light show that happened during the drum break during “Shirt? No,” but the fog machine action had me tearing up in all the wrong ways.
For those of you that heard the guys have accepted a number of high profile endorsements in the massive commercial success that came with their concept album, here’s the shortlist I was able to compile based on Abraham’s outfit alone. Current brands cashing in on the WLLMSBRG hype include:
- Jordans (shoes)
- Jordans (furniture)
- dELiA*s
- Old Navy
- Old Spice
- Bingo’s Diner
- Bingo’s Laundromat
- Bingo’s House on Linden St. where people chill sometimes
- Some startup that Wayne Coyne owns that no one seemed to know anything about
- Chipotle
- Aquafina
- Tums
- WikiLeaks
There may have been more, but I was partially blinded by the glitter bomb that Curt enthusiastically set off during the track “Divorce Lawyer” from their first album.
WLLSBRG sold out, and the stream of consciousness sweethearts I fell in love with this morning have gone corporate. There’s rumors that Abraham and his Tinder girlfriend Kendra are starting to get serious, and the whole thing reeks a little, and not just because of Curt’s new line of Egg Cologne.
The bottom line? Fuck these guys. I wish they were struck by the 66 bus they came from and descend into the infinite depths of Mediocre Punk and get their own Kidz Bop album. Fuck Abraham and his chill ‘tude. Fuck Curt and his rude ‘tude. Fuck their totally dope and accessible social media style. And fuck you, Shirtless Mike, I’ll miss your hairless chest and sweet disposition most of all.
If you were looking for an indication that punk is really and truly dead, here it is. The wand I bought at the stadium was dope, though.
