SPEEDY ORTIZ

So I know Rick Santorum’s dropped out of the presidential race, but that’s cool, ‘cuz it just means he has more time to spend V-day wining, dining, and disappointing me on our date — a male tradition. He’s gonna show up looking fly AF ‘cuz he’s got that Urban Outfitters cash-money hookup. I imagine he’ll greet me with some pop rocks, the frothiest candy in the whole candy shop. (Favorite neologism: “santorum (san-TOR-um) n. 1. The frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the by-product of anal sex.”) And when the date abruptly ends when he discovers I’m on birth control—major ethical no-no, by Ricky-Rick’s standards—I know he’ll be cool ending the night by himself. Have you seen that wrist? So agile! *swoon* — Sadie Dupuis