1. Take a picture in front of a van.
Vans are what bands tour in when they travel under the radar of mainstream people, sick and by taking a picture in front of a van, order you are implying that you have put in those hard hours burning gas on the Midwestern plains, mind eating only fast food and granola bars, not showering, and soaking in the culture of the simpler folk. (Bonus points for taking pictures in front of signs in the Midwest that appear primitive and humorous to cityfolk)
2. Do stuff with your body hair.
People in bands only have ironic haircuts (either that or their band isn’t very good). You could get a really bad haircut and look artful, or get a really good haircut from a different time like a mushroom cut or something. It doesn’t end with your mop, though. Don’t shave for a while and it will say something like, “I’m too focused on my art to keep my face in order,” or if you have a really good looking face, it could be like, “I’m tired of people thinking the face is the moneymaker, I want my songwriting to speak for itself.” Overgrown or unkempt body hair can also symbolize hard times on the road.
3. Look Sweaty in a Basement
Basements are where the most legit bands play, everyone knows that. If you’re sweating in a basement in a pic, it probably means that your band just got off and you’re still buzzing off of the crowd’s energy and the warm 40 you just drank. Chances are there will be a wild smile on your face because you love youth culture and the ability to play at a house without the consent of the FUZZ. Even people in bands that have graduated from the basement scene will still rock a sweaty basement prof pic to show that they stay true to their roots.
4. Show Your Love for Cigz
People in bands don’t just smoke cigarettes, they LOVE cigarettes. It’s a part of them; part of their culture and part of their work. Cigarettes are how they hit that perfect note that makes you as the listener want more and more. You can incorporate them in different ways into your pic, as to make it seem like you’re not flaunting it, but it’s just another part of you that people have to deal with.
5. Negative Space
Being in a band means being mysterious and unpredictable. If you think you’re in an incredible band, you want people thinking, “Can I be besties with this guy, or is he gonna dust me like dirt off his shoulder?” Having negative space (which is what artful people use to describe space where there isn’t really anything), makes a person seem small in comparison to real problems, and keeps the pic open to interpretation. Making yourself just a spec on a picture is like telling the world, “You can hate me now, but I won’t stop now.”
6. Wash it Out
Let’s face it, they don’t make bands like they used to, so why even try to be modern. Shit was so much more real in the 90’s and in the 80’s and in the 70’s, so if you make yourself look like you are from then, people will relate to your sound so much more. Instagramming your pix will make them seem like they were jacked from a music blog, or cut out of a zine or something from a long time ago. Everybody who likes music lives in the past, so if they see your face on a polaroid, they’ll totally think you shred. This is the easiest way to make yourself a rocker according to Facebook.
7. Be on Train Tracks
This one is kind of like the first one, but for even more rambling souls. See, when you take a van, you have a destination, but when you take a train, you’re just along for the ride, letting the rail take you wherever it goes. You really get to feel the vibez of all the cornfields and stuff, and base your songwriting off of classic American train songs in pure hobowave fashion. The best traintracks to take your pic in front of are the ones that have no visible ending, so that people know that your inspiration runs for miles and one day you and the band are going to find where those tracks end.
8. Love the Shit out of America
It’s so awesome to know that bands are so Patriotic because they take pictures in front of flags, or American landmarks that they see on tour, or drink American beers, or even wear trendy American flag tanks from Am Ap. To really go for it, you can even make a caption to the photo that says, “America.” Or “Amurica.” Or “’Merica.” Or jeez, even, “’Murica.” Nobody will question your ability to melt that guitar if you sport the red, white, and blue. Sport any other country’s colors, and people will probably just assume you’re into some really lame shit.
9. Be Constantly Tired/Disheveled
Touring from basement to basement, drinking heavy American beer til you hurl, smoking the cheapest squeaf, living hard on the road, partying late night and revving up the van early in the morning—it all takes a toll on a rocker’s bod. Most of the time, people in bands look way messy, like they haven’t showered in a long time, or they have bags under their eyes from lack of sleep and/or doing mad party drugs. Basically, if you want to look like you are the frontman of the next BIG THING, don’t take care of yourself at all and you should be able to turn some heads.
10. Play an Instrument
This seems way obvious, but it’s totally not a necessity. Being able to play guitar means you’re talented and all, but it doesn’t necessarily give you that EDGE. The whole perception of the rock band is changing before our eyes anyway. Now you can just have a lap top and be in a band, or just take a picture following any of the above guidelines and you can look like you’re in a band. Being in a band is too much work anyway.